


The Upswing

by skybean



Series: bipolar!seidou fics [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Seidou, Gen, Manic Episode, Mental Health Issues, Swearing, failed suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 09:24:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6000769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skybean/pseuds/skybean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seidou has to deal with the mistakes he made in his downswings.  But, at the same time, upswings come.  Upswings come, and they can be horrible--mania is, after all, the other half to Seidou's life, and it makes everything feel worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Upswing

**Author's Note:**

> seidou my sweet child i love you so you get my manic episodes

Sometimes, he can't remember what sad is.  Sure, Seidou’s aware that yes, he can feel it, and that there were points in his life where he was so sad where he'd like nothing more than dying forever, but this had been two weeks without sadness, and in those moments, he was sure he'd never be sad again.

(Angry?  Yes.  Paranoid?  Maybe he  _ had _ dug out some of the drywall from his bedroom trying to find cameras last night.)

That's why he's bustling through end of class chores, having long since tuned out the world while the white noise of his brain clatters on.

One two three four five desks cleaned…

“Takizawa,”  and finally he pays attention, looking up at Mado.

“What do you want?  We're almost done here.”

The look on her face he can’t quite read.  But Seidou returns to ignoring it as best as he can, merely rocking back and forth on his feet as he looks outside for a moment.

“Your neck still looks pretty bad.  Are you sure you should be in school?”  Akira taps his arm, and Seidou jumps back a bit, his hands instantly moving to touch the torn and battered flesh around his neck.

“Look,”  Seidou began hastily, hands flying up to cover his neck,  “it’s none of your business, okay?!”

Oh no--that had the other two students staring at him now, and Akira wouldn’t leave him alone, and for a moment, Seidou felt so not very there--like a strange mix of he couldn’t actually be bothered to give a damn about what was going on, and like Seidou wasn’t actually the person in charge of his own body.  So he stepped back, more-or-less shoving (or was it throwing?) the towel and Windex he had been using at her.

“Fucking--just leave me alone!  Leave me alone, okay?!  I don’t know what you get off on this, but I didn’t ask for you to talk to me!”  Seidou snapped, his body stepping back without permission, his hands moving to pull on his hair for a moment.

He needed to run.  Every part of his body was screaming for him to run--that everybody already hated him, that this was all the evidence they needed for him to get kicked out, for everybody to hate him--because  _ congrats, Seidou _ , you’ve officially ruined every bit of your social life, once again.

He looks at the kids in the room with him, and pushes himself out the door, taking off sprinting down the hallways of the classroom as quickly as he can.

The hallway felt too long.  The kind of long where it was one of those nightmares where no matter how hard, or fast one moved, nobody was moving anywhere.  But the end of the hallway came, and Seidou skid to a stop, sliding onto his bottom and curling up, rocking back and forth and screaming, pulling on his hair.

“Takizawa.”

No.  No, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no no no nononononononononono  **_NO_ ** no, please no.

“Takizawa, stop.  You’re bleeding.”

She’s on her knees in front of him, Seidou becomes aware, and Akira pulls Seidou’s hands away gently, watching him for a long, pained moment.

“What’s going on?”  Her question only comes once Seidou looks up at her.

“...What do you mean?”  Seidou tries to keep his gaze away from Akira, trying to go with anything else.  “I mean--look, I’m sorry about throwing the cleaning supplies at you--”

“Your neck, Takizawa.  Why do you look like that?”

Seidou swallows.  Good old blunt Akira.  And he looks away once more, trying to pull his hands away from her.

“I tried to kill myself.  Tried to hang myself, but I’m such a  _ failure _ that I can’t even kill myself right.”

The words are arid on his tongue, and Seidou looks away once more, half hugging his knees to his chest.

“...I’m glad you failed, this time,”  Akira says softly in response, before clarifying,  “I’m glad you’re alive.”

Seidou blinks, for a long moment, before he laughs.  And he laughs, and laughs, until he eventually stands up, wiping at his face.

“Yeah, sure.  Look…  I…  I gotta go.  I’m sorry.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And before she can respond, he’s turning and sprinting out, too ashamed to look her in the eye.


End file.
